Reluctance to have children can be treated with love, psychologists say. Reluctance to have children Children as not the only meaning of life

Where do so many childfree come from?

Often we condemn the callousness and rudeness of the people around us. And it’s not for nothing that all psychologists say that in order to get to know a person, it’s enough to understand how his childhood went.
I began to wonder why such a huge number of women voluntarily give up motherhood? Why the reluctance to have children? Why are there so many cynical and sometimes downright cruel statements? Ordinary selfishness, narcissism, unwillingness to bear responsibility? Or have women finally begun to wise up and realize that it is better not to become a mother at all than to become a bad mother?
Immature boys and girls who create fragile families, selfish, hysterical fools - what kind of education can you get in such conditions? And is it any wonder to see a huge number of moral monsters? Is it so scary not to give birth at all, or is it more scary to give birth and not cope?!

Traumas that come with us from childhood for the rest of our adult lives are masks:
The rejected one is a fugitive.
Abandoned - dependent.
The humiliated is a masochist.
The survivor of betrayal is controlling.
A person who has experienced injustice is rigid (setting strict limits for himself).
A fugitive complex occurs when a child is rejected by a parent of the same sex. Subsequently, such a person tends to alternately behave like a rejected person, creating similar situations himself, or like an abandoner. The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. The fugitive does not believe in his own worth; he does not value himself at all. And for this reason, he uses all means to become perfect and gain value, both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others.

An abandoned complex is formed if a child is not accepted by a parent of the opposite sex. Anyone who experiences an abandonment complex constantly experiences emotional hunger.

An addict may appear lazy because they do not like to be active or work alone; he needs someone's presence, even if just for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects affection in return. An addict is most likely to become a victim in order to gain attention. This meets the needs of an addict who constantly feels like they are getting too little attention. When he seems to be trying to get attention in every possible way, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to get support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him.

The formation of a humiliated complex, otherwise a masochist, occurs at the moment when a child feels that one of the parents is ashamed of him or is afraid of shame, if the child gets dirty, ruins something (especially in front of guests or relatives), is poorly dressed, etc. The humiliation only intensifies when the parents explain to the guests the reasons for the little scandal. Scenes like these can convince a child that he is disgusting to mom and dad. Since the humiliated person strives to prove his solidity, reliability and does not want to be controlled, he becomes very efficient and takes on a lot of work. As long as he helps others, he is sure that he has nothing to be ashamed of, but very often later he experiences the humiliation of being used. He almost always feels that his services are not appreciated. A child feels betrayed by a parent of the opposite sex whenever that parent fails to keep a promise or abuses the child's trust.

The controller controls in order to ensure the fulfillment of the tasks undertaken, to maintain fidelity, to justify responsibility, or to demand all this from others. Because Controllers have a particularly difficult time accepting any form of betrayal, either someone else's or their own, they do everything in their power to be responsible, strong, special, and significant.

The child feels it is unfair that he cannot be whole and inviolable, cannot express himself and be himself. He experiences this trauma mainly with a parent of the same sex. He suffers from the coldness of this parent, that is, from his inability to express himself and feel the other. At least that’s how the child perceives him. The child also suffers from the parent’s authority, from his constant comments, severity, intolerance and from his conformism.

Rigid seeks correctness and justice at any cost. Striving for perfection in everything, he thus tries to always be fair. He believes that if what he says or does is perfect, then it is therefore fair. It is extremely difficult for him to understand that, while acting impeccably (according to his own criteria), he can at the same time be unfair.

Everyone around me is kind and good (I’m talking about real life).

If a child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
- If a child is praised, he learns to be grateful.
- If a child grows up in honesty, he learns to be fair.
- If a child is supported, he learns to value himself.
- If a child is criticized, he learns to hate.
- If a child lives in hostility, he learns aggressiveness.
- If a child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn.
- If a child grows up reproached, he learns to live with guilt.
- If a child grows up in tolerance, he learns to accept others.
- If a child lives in safety, he learns to believe in people.
- If a child lives in understanding, he learns to find love in this world.

Women who can give birth, but do not want to, are biotrash offended by nature.

I treat the world the way I want the world to treat me.

Childfree has a new humane excuse for his irresponsibility and immaturity: “I don’t want to be a bad mother, so it’s better not to be one at all.”

Why is infantility bad?

Nothing until the age of 18.

And then?

What is good about immaturity in development, the preservation in behavior or physical appearance of traits inherent in previous age stages?

Not everyone wants to lead a completely adult lifestyle. For what? Why is it necessary to take responsibility? Why can't you do what you like?

There is no concept of “absolutely adult”, there is a concept of “advanced by age.”

When I was 10 years old, I told my parents that I wouldn’t get married and therefore didn’t intend to have children. So they are prepared. And the opinions of others do not interest me at all.

You can be developed, aware of many things, which is why you can consciously make a decision to give birth or not to give birth. Or is development now determined by the presence of a child?

The reluctance to have children is a consequence of psychological immaturity or egocentrism, in my opinion.

Everyone has their own reasons for this. It’s better to make a balanced decision not to have children (at all or for some time) for one reason or another, rather than - I want a child, everything is as people need!

Then drunks and rednecks are very developed, because they breed like rabbits.

A lot of text, in a nutshell, these are purely my objective observations. The whole root of the problems of some men and women is in the family. The absence of a father and mother's love turns a man into a "woman", I would even say into an "it". And, a woman - a “whore”. Everyone is yelling that “family” is the most important thing. But no one really knows the meaning of this word.

I grew up in a full-fledged family. Loving and friendly. I’ve had my own family for a long time, and I’m quite old, but the question of children doesn’t even arise. I don’t call myself childfree or whatever, I don’t prove anything to anyone, I just live and enjoy life. I wish the same for everyone. Stop harping on this topic. Author, it was necessary to remove the first part of the text, it is very provocative. They will pay more attention to it than to the main content of the article. And the article is good, by the way!

Let him provoke, this is just my opinion.

The desire not to have children has nothing to do with it.

Drunks and homeless people usually don’t think at all about whether they want children or not, they simply breed, by inertia, because they only heard about contraception through the address “hey you, you bastard, what do you have?”

Marginalized yes. But people who are simply uneducated or susceptible to the influence of public opinion want “ditachka” simply because everyone lives like that. And they don’t look at whether they can feed and raise them with dignity or not. In short, “bunny, lawn” and all that.
In my opinion, if a person understands that he does not have enough money or is not ready for children and does not have them, then such a person is good. Because he understands that this is a huge responsibility, and not a toy.

So. I began to wonder why such a huge number of people pry into other people’s underpants, into other people’s families and into other people’s heads, trying to dig out psychological problems there that preceded the emergence of any beliefs? Why are there so many arrogant, self-confident and anti-scientific statements? Ordinary stupidity, narrow-mindedness, lack of one’s own personal life?

It is no one’s business why a child appeared in a particular family.
Everyone is responsible only for themselves and their actions.

Well, I know why I don't have children and where my reluctance to have children comes from. I hate women who dream of children when they themselves have nothing. But if everything is fine with her, then that’s another matter.
I have no idea what I care about them all.

I think it’s easier to admit that there are people who are simply not interested. There are other interests, science, career, loved one, travel. When everything is great, you don’t want to change it. Hence the reluctance to have children.

Everyone loves to make life difficult for themselves and other people. Honestly, I didn’t get through more than half of this “writing”.

Let me guess, the Americans are to blame again? It is not the economic difficulties of the majority of Russians.

And everything can be solved easily with the help of contraceptives. But not so long ago, by global standards, everyone gave birth. Whether they want it or not. What’s worse: giving birth to a person you don’t want, or ending this misunderstanding on yourself - an arbitrariness of nature?
Is nature stupid or people?

If they paid salaries for raising children (this is a huge job that needs to be controlled and financed, like any other). And so, men don’t want to provide.

What nonsense. There used to be the same problems in families as there are now. Previously, parents beat and humiliated their children in the same way, fathers also drank and beat their wives, nothing new. It’s just that now you don’t have to love children, you don’t have to get married because before it was frowned upon, but now no one cares. Don’t worry, women will procreate and men will get married, there are just more people who can now live as they want and that’s good.

And I also have a friend. He's a little younger than me. For 2 years. He's 25 now. He already has two children. When his first one was born, he had problems with his wife. With misunderstanding them. He was always cheerful, the life of the party, doing something, having fun. I could always call him at 12 o’clock at night, and we could walk around the area or do other nonsense. It’s clear that we have grown up a little since we were 18 years old. But the essence of a person often remains the same. He wants to sit and play computer games, hang out with the guys, with me. Just take a break. But he can’t! And it's scary. He complains about all this, then starts telling me about the children that this is good. It's time too. I'm not married and I don't have children yet. And they envy me that I’m so calm at the same time, I’m cool, I do what I want.

My parents raised me well, instilled respect for elders, love and care for animals, and taught me responsibility very early. But I’m 36 years old and the genetic time hasn’t come for me to want to have a child. I have a wonderful husband, madly loved by me, we have all the conditions for a great life, but I can’t bring myself to turn everything upside down and want to walk around with a huge belly, fainting, I don’t know what it’s like to want to give birth to a child . Apparently, everything in my life is cool, and in general I don’t want to have additional love in the form of a child. The only thing that clicks somewhere now is that, in fact, you probably still need to give birth before you’re 40, then, that someone will need to leave an inheritance. But when I give birth, let the nanny sit with him, I will live no matter how I live, I will never trade freedom. Oh, how I piss off women who are ovulating and just those who have children with my straightforward statements.

I agree with the post.

For me, my children are the most important thing in my life. They gave me a lot. It is next to them that I feel truly whole and happy. And I am very grateful to my parents for the fact that, by their example, they were able to form in me the right attitude towards family and motherhood.

Doesn't your husband make you absolutely happy?

I’m not offending you, I just often notice that women find delight in children, this is a kind of vacuum that they fill instead of what was previously between two loving hearts. I think that children are just cool for a certain time, but then what? They will grow up and leave, and we will die old with our thoughts and thoughts of returning to the one with whom it all began. I don’t understand the concept of happiness in children, hence the reluctance to have children! Happiness can come from a dog or a cat, and there is also a return.

Well, what a vacuum, don’t tell me. A husband is a husband, and children are children. There seems to be no competitive principle here, these are different disciplines.

Children, in principle, may well be replaced by an infantile spouse. The same responsibility and trepidation. Although the spouse may be much more important than the children, closer, this also happens. Happiness comes in different forms. And it is not limited to children. Peace for everyone.

Well, hello, how is your little son different from an adult child?

Why immediately infantile? Mine, for example, is a thunderstorm for those around me, but I care about him like..., like myself or like a child, maybe I don’t understand why I need another one, in the form of a child.

I don’t understand, what does a small son and an adult child have to do with it? I don’t even have little sons.

Well, pardon me, so happiness is only in children? And you don’t seem to care about your husband?
There are men like children.

Why the reluctance to have children? And I’m just scared to give birth to children in this reality. You look around what is happening - medical errors taking children's lives, nannies beating babies, pedophiles raping children. In general, the standard of living in the country, the environmental situation. No, I am not ready to produce new people under such conditions.

Where do so many childfree come from?

An abandoned complex is formed if a child is not accepted by a parent of the opposite sex. Anyone who experiences an abandonment complex constantly experiences emotional hunger.

Everyone around me is kind and good (I’m talking about real life).

Women who can give birth, but do not want to, are biotrash offended by nature.

I treat the world the way I want the world to treat me.

Childfree has a new humane excuse for his irresponsibility and immaturity: “I don’t want to be a bad mother, so it’s better not to be one at all.”

Why is infantility bad?

Nothing until the age of 18.

And then?

What is good about immaturity in development, the preservation in behavior or physical appearance of traits inherent in previous age stages?

Not everyone wants to lead a completely adult lifestyle. For what? Why is it necessary to take responsibility? Why can't you do what you like?

There is no concept of “absolutely adult”, there is a concept of “advanced by age.”

When I was 10 years old, I told my parents that I wouldn’t get married and therefore didn’t intend to have children. So they are prepared. And the opinions of others do not interest me at all.

You can be developed, aware of many things, which is why you can consciously make a decision to give birth or not to give birth. Or is development now determined by the presence of a child?

The reluctance to have children is a consequence of psychological immaturity or egocentrism, in my opinion.

Then drunks and rednecks are very developed, because they breed like rabbits.

Let him provoke, this is just my opinion.

The desire not to have children has nothing to do with it.

It is no one’s business why a child appeared in a particular family.
Everyone is responsible only for themselves and their actions.

Everyone loves to make life difficult for themselves and other people. Honestly, I didn’t get through more than half of this “writing”.

Let me guess, the Americans are to blame again? It is not the economic difficulties of the majority of Russians.

If they paid salaries for raising children (this is a huge job that needs to be controlled and financed, like any other). And so, men don’t want to provide.

Doesn't your husband make you absolutely happy?

Well, what a vacuum, don’t tell me. A husband is a husband, and children are children. There seems to be no competitive principle here, these are different disciplines.

Well, hello, how is your little son different from an adult child?

I don’t understand, what does a small son and an adult child have to do with it? I don’t even have little sons.

Well, pardon me, so happiness is only in children? And you don’t seem to care about your husband?
There are men like children.

According to statistics, about 5% of couples who want to have children suffer from infertility. Of these, approximately half of the cases are explained by some abnormalities in physiology. The reasons for the rest lie in psychosomatics, or, more simply, in the psychological mood. This applies to both partners - both women and men.

“Psychological infertility is considered as the result of a woman’s conscious or unconscious reluctance to have a child. Sometimes it is fear of pregnancy and childbirth, sometimes it is reluctance to have a child from a given man, sometimes it is resistance to changes in appearance that pregnancy can lead to, etc.”

How does this happen

The human brain is an amazing thing. If for some reason he considers something wrong, he can “prohibit” other organs from performing certain operations. For example, if you have a lot of doubts in your soul about your upcoming pregnancy, then your brain is able to take advantage of this and signal your organs to prevent conception or even get rid of an unwanted embryo.

Psychological problems, stress, silent doubts of even one of the spouses can lead to the fact that a healthy couple does not have children. That is why in modern reproductive medicine psychological counseling is given a very important role.

Causes

What Causes Psychological Infertility? There are many reasons: a side effect from taking medications, worries about money, an incompletely resolved dilemma between family and career, a phobia that a child will be born sick or that a spouse might leave the family. In the end, even the shameless psychological pressure already established in our society: “Well, when are you planning to have a baby?” from close and even unfamiliar people can do its job.

At particular risk are overly impressionable people and people who, on the contrary, keep everything to themselves. The former suffer from exaggerating their difficulties, while the latter simply do not give vent to their own emotions.

One of the most common causes of psychological infertility is that a couple begins to worry about problems conceiving when in fact there are no problems. Statistics show that with an active sexual life, 85% of women become pregnant within a year, and 95% within two years. Therefore, there is no need to label yourself as “infertile” if you and your partner have only been trying to conceive a child for the last few months. Such experiences cause unnecessary stress, and where there is stress, there is a risk of psychosomatic diseases. In my practice, there have been cases when, due to unnecessary emotional experiences, the patient experienced unpleasant changes in the body. Therefore, when they say that many diseases are caused by nerves, these are not empty words.

According to a survey of 200 couples observed in reproductive clinics, 50% of women and 15% of men recall waiting for pregnancy as the most depressing time in their lives. Another study found that women suffering from infertility were at about the same level of depression as those suffering from cancer or the effects of a heart attack.

The reproductive and endocrine systems, under such serious pressure from psychological factors, may not restore their functions at all without special help.

How to understand that you have psychological infertility

Here are the main reasons that can provoke psychological infertility:

you regularly experience severe stress at work;
you blame yourself for infertility or perceive the absence of children as a punishment for your previous lifestyle (a large number of sexual partners or termination of a previous pregnancy);
you don't trust your partner or think that he is not quite ready for the birth of a child;
You haven’t fully answered the question of whether children are needed right now. Or, for example, you were recently promised a promotion and you don’t want to give it up because of maternity leave;
you have at least some signs of depression;
you have not fully resolved financial and other everyday issues related to the birth of a child;
Recently you have experienced a serious psychological shock (loss of a loved one, accident, flood or fire, major financial setbacks);
you are subject to serious psychological pressure from others due to the lack of pregnancy and children.

Analyzing your life for unspoken problems and thoughts is only the first step. The second is to ask about your partner's possible concerns. Men are usually less inclined to have heart-to-heart conversations, but it may well turn out that the reason is not so much in you as in your partner’s secret anxieties. If there is even a suspicion of depression, you should definitely consult a specialist - not only for the sake of the unborn child, but also for the sake of your own well-being.

How to treat

The best way to protect yourself from worries about conception is to make sure that everything is in order with your health as a couple, and... relax. The less you think about the fact that a child is your goal, the faster you will be able to conceive. If you've been suffering from a lot of stress at work lately, then the ideal option is to take a long vacation and get away from your worries with your spouse. Busy yourself with a new project - for example, start learning foreign languages or sign up for some hobby club. The main thing is not to let thoughts about a possible pregnancy take up all your attention.

Diagnosing the real cause of psychological infertility without the help of specialists can be quite difficult. Sometimes it’s enough just to relax, and sometimes you need to use the “heavy artillery” - psychotherapy, relaxation techniques (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, massage) and even medications.

I can give two illustrative examples from practice when the patients’ problem was in their heads.

In the first case, the couple tried to get pregnant for three years, although we did not find any physiological reasons for infertility in the partners. It turned out that during this time they experienced a serious illness of a loved one, took out a large loan and experienced severe stress at work. We advised the couple to take a long vacation and generally have no contact with the outside world for some time - without the Internet, calls from work and communication on social networks. It helped! Literally immediately after returning from vacation, the patient found out about pregnancy and subsequently gave birth to a healthy baby.

In the second case, a lot of work had to be done. During a psychotherapy session, it turned out that the wife suffered a severe psycho-emotional trauma at a young age, which none of her loved ones even knew about. After this psychological trauma, the woman herself began to consider herself unworthy to have children. After lengthy personal and family psychotherapy, the long-awaited pregnancy occurred.

Therefore, in each specific case the decision will be individual, but it is better to start with a consultation with your reproductive specialist. If he understands that the reason lies in the head, he will make an appointment with a psychotherapist.

Eleonora Kozlova, psychotherapist at the Center for Reproductive Health “SM-Clinic”.

Boys play with cars, girls play as daughters and mothers, and when they grow up, they acquire what they dreamed of as children. The French say that the first child is the last doll. But what if dolls have never interested you?

You, like boys, played with cars. Or, instead of baby dolls, you had beautiful Barbies who clean feathers in lounge chairs and have fun at parties, and do not feed a screaming child or change his diapers. The importance of role-playing games cannot be underestimated. With their help, we master the world, fitting ourselves into it. If the desire to try on the role of a mother did not arise at the age of five, is it any wonder that it does not come even at thirty?

It's natural to want a child. This is how nature intended. But it’s also normal not to want a child. After all, we are not only natural beings, but also social ones. We have so much on top of the basic instincts - self-preservation or procreation - that sometimes they are unable to reach our consciousness. You build a life, and the result completely satisfies you. There is no feeling that anyone or anything is missing from her. And since everything is there, why change anything? You never know where these changes will take you. What if it gets worse? And is it possible to want something that you have never tried? Sea urchin caviar, for example. You haven’t eaten it before, so you don’t feel longing for it. You haven’t tried on the role of a mother either - you haven’t played with dolls, haven’t babysat your younger brothers and sisters, haven’t babysat your nephews, so you can’t know for sure whether it’s for you or not. By the way, the Chinese, who, in order to reduce the birth rate, obliged their citizens to have only one child, after 20-30 years were faced with the fact that these only children, who grew up without brothers and sisters, do not want their own children at all. Because they had no experience of caring for a baby in the parental family.

Popular

Contraceptive installation

Appetite, as you know, comes with eating. And the need for motherhood too. Previously, nature did not need to secure our desire to have a child. Because if we choose the right moment, we can last up to a hundred years. And it’s not profitable for her! This is why our instincts make us want sex rather than children. After all, before, if pregnancy occurred, there was no longer any special choice - to give birth or not to give birth.

With the advent of contraceptives, systemic failures occurred in this scheme. The initiative passed to us. We are free to choose the ideal time, to wait until the desire to have a child comes. But the trouble is that the desire does not come to everyone and the moment is not always right. In addition, if you protect yourself from pregnancy throughout your entire adult life, its denial is rooted in the subconscious deeper than one might imagine. A persistent contraceptive attitude arises, erasing the desire to become a mother. You listen to yourself, but you don’t feel any need for a child and decide that you are not yet mature for this. And time is running out.

“I think that if a woman doesn’t want a child by 30, then most likely she won’t want one,” says Anyuta. — The further you go, the less you will want, because with age your character loses its elasticity. You become less patient, you get used to freedom. If you don’t want to, maybe you don’t need to. Not everyone can be a mother! But if the question of why there is no such desire haunts you, it means that there is still a need for a baby. Even if it’s at the level of feeling that it might be easier without children, but it’s not entirely right. It's good that this came to me in time. I gave birth to a child without the call of instinct, at my own peril and risk. Partly for show, to “shoot off”, and partly out of curiosity, to see what would come of my husband’s genetic mixture. I wasn’t torn apart by maternal hunger, but I don’t regret at all that I didn’t wait until I wanted to become a mother. The instinct never woke up. A sense of duty and conscious love has awakened, which arises after you get to know a person and invest strength in him. You can desperately want children, but be a bad mother. Or it can be the other way around.”

MEMORY OF A GIRL
The desire to have children comes to any of us after puberty. But it is so instinctive that it is quickly forgotten if it is not implemented. And by 25, you already believe that “you never wanted a child.”

Nature's Trap

One of my friends unexpectedly experienced an urgent need to become a mother after an internship in an orphanage. I fell, as psychologists say, into a prolactin trap. Prolactin is a pituitary hormone that awakens the parental instinct. This is a time bomb laid by nature under the foundation of indifference to children's topics. As long as you keep a safe distance from stores for young mothers, parks where they walk with strollers, sandboxes and playgrounds, prolactin does not remind you of itself. Because there is no reason! But as soon as you press a warm, sleepy, pink baby (yours or someone else’s) that smells of milk and baby powder to your chest, the maternal hormone begins to be intensively produced in the body, stunned by surprise. Sometimes in such quantities that nulliparous girls even begin to produce milk! For some, it is enough just to wander into a department where they sell rompers and baby vests for this biological timer to work.

But the most powerful release of prolactin occurs during pregnancy and especially childbirth. That is why surrogate mothers, who agreed to be incubators for someone else’s baby, suddenly become imbued with irrational love for him. And for no amount of millions do they agree to give up a child they initially did not want to biological parents. And for those, too, the parental hormone is raging with might and main while they watch the surrogate mother and inflame themselves with preparations for the birth of the baby. Do you want to want a baby? Get closer to the pregnant woman!

“My friends, as if by agreement, walk around pregnant,” says 27-year-old Albina. - There are five of them! Maybe this is a herd feeling, but even I, who had not planned anything like this, suddenly wanted to join their company. I looked at their rounded bellies, walked with each of them around the “Children’s World” and realized that I wanted the same thing. And before there was no such desire. Honestly!"

Coincidence

People sometimes don't want to have children because for some reason they can't. They instill this reluctance in themselves because not wanting is still better than not being able to. The most obvious is physical disability. The friend tells everyone that she doesn’t want to “get involved with this.” And then it suddenly turns out that she has been undergoing treatment for infertility for several years. There is no result, so she convinces herself and others that it shouldn’t have hurt. It’s easier without a child: you won’t have to go on maternity leave, drop out of life, and your figure won’t float. So that's great!

Someone understands that they cannot support a child financially. They just want children... But they consider themselves unworthy (“with such and such a salary!”) to become parents. And they postpone the birth of a child until later. And when they achieve career success and financial well-being, they simply burn out, losing the desire for motherhood. Thirty-year-old anhedonia—the loss of interest in everything that really makes life worth living—is a common phenomenon, especially in big cities. You just need to shake yourself up. To have a break. Remember why all these obstacle races up the career ladder were started. Think about the design of the nursery, choose wallpaper for it, look for a crib. Any step in this direction is a way to awaken your suppressed instincts.

Some anxious and suspicious people begin to panic at the mere thought of children. The child will be completely dependent on me. What if I do something wrong and he gets sick? If I drop it, will he break something?

Or maybe you don’t want a child because you have the wrong man next to you. You don’t admit it to yourself, but you feel in your spinal cord that the appearance of a third person will not strengthen your union, but, on the contrary, will only complicate everything. “As I understand now, at one time I didn’t want children because I didn’t trust my husband and was ashamed in advance of the hypothetical fate of a single mother,” recalls Stasya. — By and large, I turned out to be right. Although after a conversation with a psychologist (“since he brought you here, it means it’s important for him”) I made up my mind. And the husband ran away as soon as the baby started teething: the children's screams prevented him from sleeping. And when I met my man, the desire to give birth arose almost immediately. I took this feeling as a guarantee that everything would be fine with us. And I was not mistaken!”

NO-HORMONES
Prolactin has opposite hormones - adrenaline, cortisol and testosterone. They keep you constantly ready to fight, give you strength and courage... But they reduce your femininity. The adrenal glands of zealous career women constantly release these “no-hormones” into the blood. Therefore, if you are worried about the lack of a basic instinct, stop. As sad as it may be, you will have to take a break from your career race. At least for a little while.

I don't want to be like my mother!

If you didn’t have a good relationship with your mother, then not wanting to have a child is a continuation of the child’s rebellion: “I don’t want to be like her!” Psychologists call this a violation of parental self-identification. It can also concern relationships with your father: he left the family, abandoned you, little one, it was painful, and you don’t want your baby to experience the same pain. But in fact, more than anything else, you need to go through this path with your child again, rewriting your own childhood along the way, correcting in it what hurt you so much and still haunts you.

“I’m soon 27, married for 7 years, no children, because in all this time we have never tried to have them,” Natasha reports. - We protect ourselves like spies. We both can't stand these little, screaming, always demanding creatures. I want to live for my own pleasure, not everyone has children, there are so many interesting things in life... Take my mother. She was a promising pianist, but she gave birth to me, putting an end to her musical career. And what? Dad left when I was not yet a year old. Mom started all over again with another man. But already without children. Even without me. I grew up with my grandparents, I saw my mother only on Saturdays. Once a month. So why did she give birth to me? As a child, I was terribly worried that she was not around, I felt that I was preventing her from enjoying life, that I was not worthy of her love. And I'm not going to repeat her mistakes. And to friends who stutter about children, I always answer: “You need to give birth, and leave us alone!” We don’t love children and we’re not going to hurt them with our dislike!”

There is always some kind of story behind the façade of the child-free slogan. People do not want to transmit their childhood pain to generations. You can’t do this without a psychologist! As, however, in most cases, when the parental instinct refuses to remind itself.

Wanting children is the norm of life, nature’s idea. But gradually you get used to your reluctance - and it’s already somehow awkward to refuse it, to awaken parental feelings in yourself: you’ll have to explain to everyone around you why you didn’t want to, but gave birth. So don't paint yourself into a corner! From love to hate, as you know, there is only one step. And from the reluctance to have a child to the desire to give birth to one at any cost - too. You will see!

SLAVIC CROSS
During the era of perestroika, no one wanted to have children - it was simply scary: criminal lawlessness, total shortages (diapers and milk disappeared from stores, and the most necessary medicines from maternity hospitals), the sexual revolution and mass unemployment. In such conditions, the instinct of self-preservation prevailed over the instinct of procreation. Workaholism was considered the main virtue, and it completely crowded out all thoughts about children and maternity leave from the brain. As a result, in 1991 we received a “Slavic cross”: the birth rate curve intersected with the death rate curve and continued to fall. Today's 20-year-olds are precisely those who, despite everything, managed to be born at the intersection of the “cross.” It is clear that for many of them the maternal instinct is not such an unconditional phenomenon.

Irina Kovaleva
TAMARA SCHLESINGER