Psychological characteristics of children in adolescence. Raising children in a family 17 years old what age

Love at 17 years old is something both childish and adult, because boys and girls at this age are just preparing to become men and women, and at the same time have minimal life experience.

There is no more mysterious and alluring feeling in a person’s life than love. It can knock on our door suddenly or grow and develop over a long period of time.

What you need to know

Forewarned is forearmed. Love at 17 years old in adolescence is often associated with negative factors, which later lead to problems with studies, parents, and friends.

No, this does not mean at all that at 17 years old it is “impossible”. This is exactly the right age for a first relationship.

Personality formation

A person's personality develops throughout life. Each period is associated with the action of its own social and biological factors that influence the formation of a person’s character and worldview.

According to E. Erikson, 11-20 years are the time of puberty, adolescence and adolescence. During this period, the teenager’s self-determination and plans for the future are formed.

Guys and girls decide the main question: who to be and what to do in life? They experiment and play different roles in society.

“First love is not the first and not the last. This is the love in which we most of all invested ourselves, our soul, when we still had a soul,” - A. V. Vampilov

However, we are interested in the following: during this period there is a clear sexual polarization, i.e. development of sexual self-determination and associated forms of social behavior.

E. Erikson also highlights the abnormal side of personality development at the age of 11-20, when a person cannot focus on his future and often looks into the past.

His worldview and beliefs are mixed up and become unconvincing for the individual himself. The problem of “self-digging” appears. There is a confusion of forms of sexual behavior in society.

What can influence the formation of personality:

The Path to Coming of Age

17 years is a transitional age when a guy or girl is preparing for adulthood. During this period, teenagers begin to ask questions that they had not even thought about before (What is life?

How to live correctly? How to become happy? What to do to achieve success in society? What does the future hold for me? What will my parents say about me at 20-25 years old?).

In general, a person understands himself and his desires, needs, responsibilities, hobbies, and beliefs.

From the age of 16, most boys and girls experience attraction to the opposite sex. They ask questions about the sexual characteristics of men and women, their physiology, and sex.

And yes, sex at 16-18 years old is normal. The only thing you need to remember is the possible risks.at 17 years old will leave many memories to last a lifetime.

Whether they will be good or negative depends on the teenagers themselves and their psychological state. By this age, a person becomes mature enough to “taste” relationships for the first time.

How to understand that this is love at 17 years old

Even at the age of 17, true love can arise. However, this is rare, and teenagers often confuse this feeling with falling in love or passion.

If passion is a drug, then love is healing and creation. This is how these two feelings differ. Falling in love is also not love.

This is mania, sympathy for a member of the opposite sex. A teenager wants to spend time together and comfortably, without feeling any responsibilities or problems.

When there is love between teenagers, everything becomes different: people are not only attracted to each other because of their positive qualities.

The guy and the girl also don’t pay attention to each other’s shortcomings, sometimes finding advantages in them. They don’t try to fix anything in themselves, and that’s not necessary.

Here are specific signs of love that are relevant not only for teenagers, but also for other age categories:

1. Excitement at the sight of your crush.
2. Embarrassing facial flushing.
3. Conversations with loved ones often lead to discussions of your first love.
4. I want to communicate a lot with my other half.
5. You are drawn to him/her, and it is unclear how and why this happens.
6. There is a desire to give everything you have. And we are talking about spiritual values.

Signs of a teenager falling in love

Any relationship begins with a feeling of falling in love. 17-year-olds are no exception.

There are several signs by which you can guess that a guy or girl has a crush:

There are also differences in behavior between boys and girls.

For girls

What characteristic behavioral traits can reveal a teenage girl in love:

Now let's talk about boys. What behavioral features can be noticed in representatives of the stronger sex:

1. He is constantly looking for his sympathy in the crowd. He wants her to notice him.
2. The guy’s behavior changes whenever his soulmate appears. For example, if in a company of friends a young man is the life of the party, then when “her” appears on the horizon, he turns into a shy boy.
3. The guy becomes a gentleman: he opens the door for his girlfriend, carries her bags/backpack, and says compliments.
4. A young man in love tries to fulfill every desire of his passion. Very often, a girl’s wish, said as a joke, is immediately fulfilled.

First love at 17

Teens are always interested in new things, and relationships are no exception. They can affect a guy or a girl in different ways, and this can often be noticed.

Video: my first love at 17 - experience and conclusions

Every teenager should always remember that relationships are not only about pleasure in the company of their significant other, but also about responsibility.

Therefore, real first love is like this early age It is not common and is typical only for mature people, not only physically, but also spiritually.

Children of older adolescence find themselves in a situation of a new social position in society, which in turn becomes a new area of ​​psychological difficulties. Studying at this level is associated with mastering the specifics of academic subjects of senior secondary school, deepening knowledge in subjects and specialization and choosing a future profession for the transition from school to university or professional practical field. Teenagers' priorities change; communication with the opposite sex and the creation of microgroups, which include boys and girls, become relevant. Preparing for admission to a university removes students from active participation in the life of the class and school.

Interpersonal relationships become especially important at this age. As you know, normal life requires a certain ratio of stimuli that evoke positive emotions. In modern Russian schools, teenagers often feel a lack of positive emotions.

The main biological content of older adolescence is puberty and, as a consequence, increased sexual desire, which is difficult for adolescents to cope with. This biological platform is the basis for emotional instability and a sharp increase in conflict behavior characteristic of this period.

During this period, the main task of adolescents is to cope with rapid and very significant bodily changes and adapt to a new body image. It is also necessary to get used to the general changes in sensations, expressed in increased genital sensitivity and response. During this period, teenagers spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, causing misunderstanding and irritation among parents, but this is a normal phenomenon associated with building an image of a new maturing body. In this regard, the teenager is embarrassed, tries to change clothes only alone, and in the company of his parents he becomes embarrassed if his parents joke about this topic. At the other extreme, some teenagers become exhibitionists, walking around half-dressed in front of their parents, sometimes completely naked.

There are two universal phenomena characteristic of this period: dancing and the telephone. Dancing is a channel for relieving the energy that an older teenager is filled with, in addition, it allows you to express all sexual impulses without making your fantasies come true. Parents are upset that their children dance indecently, but the more a teenager realizes his impulses in dancing, the less likely he is to put them into practice. If younger teenagers dance not in pairs, but in a group (which is very important, as it allows their bodies not to touch), then older teenagers dance with their bodies closely touching. The older teenagers get, the closer they dance. The same applies to the telephone. Telephone communication is an ideal solution for a teenager: there is the possibility of intimate contact at a distance. The telephone allows a teenager to leave the house without actually leaving it. This irritates parents, but gradually they reach a compromise with their children (agree on sharing telephone time, installing a second phone, etc.). Dancing and the telephone are a means of compensation.

The main form of sexual activity in older adolescents is masturbation. Masturbation is a normal manifestation of development at this age, the initial exploration of one's body. However, it is almost always accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame. Even explaining that this is normal does not help a teenager get rid of the idea of ​​harming himself. Many teenagers are embarrassed by acne on their face, because in their fantasy it is a consequence of their masturbatory activity. Interest in sexual intercourse in early and middle adolescence is purely physical. Emotionally, morally and ethically, teenagers are not ready for it. Even if, under the influence of circumstances or under the pressure of group norms, adolescents enter into sexual contact, for them it remains a purely mechanical act. The ability for social interaction in sexual intercourse in adolescents develops only by the age of 18-20.

The psychological content of adolescence is - (according to E. Erickson) an identity crisis. Identity refers to the definition of oneself as a person, individuality. Her crisis comes after the collapse of the child's "I", when the child does not yet separate himself from his parents psychologically and socially. Strictly speaking, the search for identity is of the most important, self-contained significance for this period. It is in the problems of this search that all the causes of adolescent behavioral disorders during this period are concentrated. Environmental factors are less important. At this age, a person begins to ask questions: “Who am I?” and “What can I do?” The teenager begins to feel that certain changes are taking place in him, he ceases to feel like a child, he has a lot of questions to which he does not yet know the answers, he wants more and more to attract attention to himself, he becomes very sensitive to the opinions and assessments of the people around him. .

As a rule, a teenager identifies himself with the person who is the bearer of the most attractive behavior model for him. A person is looking for someone who could become his “mirror” through which he would check his actions. He chooses an idol for himself, and makes other adults dependent on their attitude towards his choice. Most often, the “teenage ideal” is characterized by shocking behavior that refutes the moral norms of the “older” generation. The teenager makes this idol a “fighter for justice.” In this situation, parents suffer the most. Due to other attitudes formed in youth, which in middle age are already firmly fixed in the mind, parents oppose the fascination with the idol, speak negatively about him, protest against the manner of dressing “in the style of the ideal,” etc., so the teenager often nominates his parents to the role of their “enemies”.

The cognitive development of adolescents during this period also undergoes significant changes. The level of thinking increases, in particular, abstract logical thinking is formed. Older teenagers feel their intellectual capabilities. Associated with these possibilities are such phenomena as searching for mistakes in adults (they begin to follow everything logically), looking for rare interesting information, especially if it contradicts generally accepted points of view, and presenting it to one of the adults. In general, this can be characterized as testing previously developed decisions and making new ones aimed at occupying their own niche in the adult world.

However, the thinking of older adolescents is characterized by certain features that leave a serious imprint not only on the intellectual, but also on the behavioral sphere.

Firstly, they are characterized by a tendency to extreme options for assessing facts and events - exaggeration or understatement.

Secondly, they strive for globalization of thinking and draw decisive and final conclusions from incomplete, isolated information.

And finally, thirdly, they base their conclusions on an extreme degree of maximalism, without distinguishing the nuances. For them, there is dichotomous black and white thinking. Maximalism is a striking distinctive characteristic of older adolescence.

The teenager seeks and strives to take his place in the world of adults, to somehow designate it and achieve recognition of his rights to it. Often he overcomes the strongest resistance of adults, who (often unconsciously) do not want competitors to appear in their world. This is the first experience for a teenager, since previously, as a child, he was deprived of the right to such a choice. He begins to create his own world and does not want to be invaded without permission. An older teenager wants to prove his independence, that he is no longer a child. The search for personal autonomy and deep intimate relationships begins. A person strives for recognition of the right to the existence of his own thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

Interpersonal problems of adolescents are precisely based on the search for deep intimate relationships with another person, often completely devoid of sexual overtones. The inconsistency of this situation lies in the fact that, “fighting” against adults, he singles out some of them, raises them to a pedestal and honors them more than anyone else, unquestioningly doing everything that the “teacher” says. He needs a person who would explain to him his own changes and the world around him. An authoritative adult appears even with a good relationship with parents, since it is important for a teenager that he did not see or know him when he was little, they only met now. The roles of an authoritative adult and an idol rarely coincide, since they have different functions. An idol is an ideal, often unattainable, to which one must strive, to which unrealized and undifferentiated sexual needs are transferred, and who acts as a role model. An authoritative adult performs an explanatory, encyclopedic function.

Many teenagers are terrified of being alone. Communication is very important for them, especially with peers, to be accepted into a peer group. Identifying oneself with peers is part of the search for identity and a way of emancipation from parents. This is a period of romantic love, which is based not only on sexual satisfaction, but also on the experience of close, intimate relationships with another person, a representative of the opposite sex. Very often, older teenage groups test themselves in different situations and areas of activity. In these groups, teenagers have the opportunity to apply a certain “role moratorium” for society: for a long time they do not have a role status for the whole society, but try out various roles, mostly of a criminal nature (hooliganism, pranks, theft, etc.).

The main task of object relations is the final separation from parents. The main components of this process are the rejection of parents as the main objects of love and their overthrow from the pedestal. Images of parents as ideal were formed in early childhood. At that time, the child's thinking was self-centered, and he viewed his parents as wonderful only because they were central to his life. The teenager, although he clings to the childish image of loving, omnipotent parents, is increasingly inclined to view them as disappointing, inadequate, misunderstanding, and unfaithful. This leads the teenager to feel a loss of inner support and a combination of feelings of emptiness and hunger for relationships.

To satisfy the need for relationships, fill emptiness, and maintain self-esteem on the path to mental independence, the teenager turns to peers. Peer groups provide support for his attempts to resolve internal conflicts associated with attachment to childhood love objects - parents, other adults. This could be relationships with distant fantasy figures: movie stars, athletes, show business favorites, etc. These figures are very important, since sexual relationships can be played out with them. If this is a relationship with real people, then most often they are in the nature of adoration. In real life, teenagers begin to make friends with teachers and family friends. When a teenager realizes that a new figure he adores is beginning to dominate him, he can change the object of affection. Adults often do not understand this and are offended, but for a teenager it is a necessary part of growing up.

Another teenage trait is the ability to think abstractly. Philosophical reflections and questions about the meaning of life begin. This is also one of the signs of the struggle to become an independent person, separate from the parents. It is difficult for parents to “lose” their child, but the teenager is literally torn apart by a contradiction: on the one hand, the desire to remain a child and the desire to separate and grow up, on the other. Therefore, periods of rebellion are replaced by periods of depression associated with a feeling of loss of parental love.

It is especially difficult for parents to recognize their teenager's right to make their own choices. But it would also be a mistake to provide complete freedom. Teenagers simultaneously strive for freedom and do not completely reject control. After all, the older teenager does not yet have the ability to have complete control. The concepts of “understanding of a teenager” and “permissiveness” should not be confused. After all, teenagers do not yet have sufficient knowledge and skills to cope with many of the complexities of adult life. It is necessary to give space and gradually expand it, but it is important to maintain the rules.

A normal teenager always experiences personality changes. It seems to adults that there is an ideal teenager: hardworking, obedient, modest, but such a teenager cannot cope with the tasks of finding himself as an individual. In the future, he will likely have unresolved personal problems and conflicts.

In most cases, rebellious, conflictual adolescent behavior gradually adapts to the demands of adults. The completion of the process of complete separation from parents is indicated by the young man’s acquisition of a more or less pronounced state of emotional stability, a sense of responsibility for his destiny, as well as the transition from the position of “receiving, being fed” to the position of “giving oneself.”

Adults' complaints that their parents were inadequate and unsympathetic towards them as children reflect an incomplete attempt to deidealize children's love objects and, therefore, an incomplete process of adolescent separation. If the individuation process is completed (naturally or with the help of psychotherapeutic intervention), the person usually begins to accept his parents as normal, quite acceptable. This is usually accompanied by understanding and sympathy for their shortcomings and difficulties.

It often happens that repressed feelings and unresolved conflicts of adolescence are the cause of the life difficulties of an adult. Returning to the consideration of child and adolescent conflicts, re-experiencing them in an atmosphere of emotional safety with a social worker frees up significant internal resources of the individual, which can now be directed to creating a full-fledged social and emotional life.

The transformation of the entire system of communications between adolescents and society is of exceptional importance, largely predetermining their attacking conflict nature.

The relationships between older schoolchildren and teachers are becoming much more complex and differentiated. This is one of the reasons for school maladaptation of adolescents. Like parents, the teacher has a number of functions in the child's mind: a substitute for parents, an authority in charge of punishments and rewards, an authoritative source of knowledge in a certain area, a senior comrade and a friend. The younger schoolchild does not yet distinguish between these functions, perceiving the teacher as a whole and evaluating him according to the same criteria as his parents. With age, the situation changes significantly. The teenager no longer sees the teacher as the embodiment of his father and mother, and begins to make a number of demands with appropriate maximalism. Thus, in the image of the “ideal teacher,” his individual qualities come to the fore: the ability to understand, emotional response, and warmth. In second place are professional competence, level of knowledge and quality of teaching, in third place is the ability to fairly manage power. Naturally, not all teachers have a harmonious combination of these qualities, hence the pronounced differentiation of teachers and the relationships with them on the part of teenagers into “bad” and “good”, “evil” and “good”. All sorts of conflicts arise, often leading adolescents to a stubborn reluctance to attend school. On the other hand, there are frequent cases of attachment to a beloved teacher in the form of passion and reckless devotion, but there cannot be many such attachments; most teenagers have a close emotional connection with one, rarely two teachers.

As one of the common causes of school maladaptation in adolescents, it should be noted that there is a fairly frequent discrepancy between students and teachers in assessing the same psychological situations. For example, one of the sociological studies conducted aimed to find out whether there is contact between teachers and students. The difference between teacher and student responses was huge: 73% of teachers and 18% of students stated that there was contact; 6% of teachers and 47% of students noted partial contact; 3% of teachers and 28% of students - no contact.

Apparently, the gap in ratings is explained by the fact that teachers and students understand the word “contact” differently. By the word “contact,” teachers mean a normal psychological climate that does not interfere with teamwork, while teenagers dream of emotional warmth and psychological intimacy, which are never widespread. And if the consciousness of students is illusory in the light of maximalism, because the demands they make cannot be achieved, then the consciousness of adults is illusory in another respect: they overestimate the degree of their closeness to those being educated, and thereby the degree of their influence on them.

And yet, the main obstacles that hinder mutual understanding between student and teacher are the formalization of role relationships, the naive bureaucratic “school” and “educational centrism”, behind which lie the low level of training of teachers, reluctance, and sometimes fear to see individuals in their students. It should be remembered that a personal approach is not just taking into account the individual characteristics of students, but a consistent, sincere attitude towards the student as a responsible and independent person. It would be appropriate to recall the ancient saying of Xenophon, who in his “Memoirs of Socrates” said: “No one can learn anything from a person whom he does not like.”

The need to communicate with peers, who cannot be replaced by parents, arises in children quite early, and intensifies with age. The behavior of adolescents by its very essence is collective and group.

Communication with peers represents a very important specific channel of information, through which older adolescents learn many necessary things that are not told to them by adults. For example, a teenager receives the vast majority of information on gender issues from peers.

In addition, communication between teenagers is a specific type of interpersonal relationship. Group play and other types of joint activities develop the necessary prerequisites for social interaction, the ability to submit to collective discipline and at the same time defend one’s rights, and correlate personal interests with public ones.

And finally, this is a specific type of emotional contact. Awareness of group affiliation, solidarity, and comradely mutual assistance not only makes it easier for a teenager to become autonomous from adults, but also gives an extremely important sense of emotional well-being and stability.

The psychology of communication in adolescence and adolescence is built on the basis of the contradictory interweaving of two needs: isolation and the need to belong, to be included in any group or community.

The feeling of loneliness associated with age-related difficulties in developing a personality gives rise to a tireless thirst in adolescents for communication and grouping with peers, in whose company they find what adults deny: emotional warmth, relief from boredom and recognition of their own importance. Some psychologists tend to consider communication as the leading activity of adolescence and adolescence. The intense need for communication turns into an irresistible herd feeling: they cannot not only spend a day, but even an hour outside their company. This need is especially strong among boys.

It is quite difficult to talk in general about adolescence; a lot here depends on what happened in the previous stages of the transition period, especially during events that echo throughout the rest of life.

However psychology of a teenager 16-17 years old is based to a greater extent on calmer indicators than in previous age periods, but also on greater independence. If we do not touch on pathologies and complex cases, then the typical picture will be like this:

Physical Features:

• physically teenagers are fully developed
• that is why they pay great attention to their health
• Emotional Features:
• are already friendly (and sometimes patronizing) towards all members of their family
• absolutely confident in yourself
• may be more attentive to the needs of others than to their own

Social:

• tend to serious relationship both with the opposite sex (love) and with one’s own (friendship)
• dates become a frequent occurrence in their lives
• personal relationships come to the fore, devotion to them appears, the intimacy of such relationships increases
• usually strive for independent income, for which they find hourly work
• resistance to government officials is decreasing
• Smart Features:
• strive to make more serious, intelligent decisions
• already understand that any decision made today can affect what will happen tomorrow
• consider several options for the outcome of events, i.e. teenagers are calculating their behavior
• Conflicts between teenagers and parents are more likely to be resolved through discussion of the problem that has arisen.
• begin to think about their future profession and the future in general

Spiritual:

• moral and spiritual values ​​are tested and tested for strength
• capable of strong adherence to a particular religion
• treat others with understanding and value their opinion of themselves
• boys and girls are very interested in issues of life after death
• they have many questions about their personal spiritual life, in this area they are full of doubts
• If spiritual truths are instilled in teenagers, then they are able to assimilate them during this period and apply them in life.

Most parents think that at this age they will be able to breathe easy - they are practically behind them, and the psychology of a 16-17 year old teenager is more pleasant for parental perception. But it depends on a lot:

• Were the parents able to maintain/build a trusting relationship with their child?
• have they accepted that he has become an adult and it’s time to let him go into an independent adult life?
• How ready is he for such a life?
• Is there anything left unsaid, misunderstood between parents and children, maybe some grievances are still alive in them?

This is the time to take stock of whether they are good or bad, only the parents and teenagers themselves can say, but in any case, the most important thing that, in my opinion, both of them should remember is that they are the most precious and loved ones who have each other. And this will remain so for the rest of their lives.

Hello! I am 34 years old, my son is 17. This year my child graduated from school (11th grade), entered the N.I. Lobachevsky Nizhny Novgorod State University. There was an eternal problem at school - behavior. All the time that he was studying, I did not leave school, the child is studying well, he is very active, he cannot sit quietly in class and this disturbs not only himself, but also those around him. During lessons he always talks, makes everyone laugh, if he is reprimanded, then this is only enough for 5 minutes. Now The same thing happens at the university. We always communicate and talk with him a lot and he seems to understand everything and agrees, promises that everything will be fine, that he wants to get a good education, but again the university calls, they complain about his behavior and say that they can expel him (reports on it has already been written). I don’t have enough strength, how else can I explain to a child that he is already an adult, that no one needs his “clownery”, it’s time to come to his senses. He listens to me, but doesn’t hear.

Hello, Alexandra!!!

You need to work with the teachers of the educational institution where your son studies!!! Have you tried to explain the situation to the curator (leader) of the group, to talk about it??? There is a lot that is not clear, and through writing it is impossible to definitely say what is needed. find out the root causes of this behavior!!

You, Marina, say that it’s time for your son to become an adult, but you yourself help him remain a child...

What is an adult?

This is a person who is responsible (pays) for his actions and actions, mainly HIMSELF.

From your "pocket".

Another thing is that if he is expelled from the institute, you will continue to feed him - you...

That's why you take care of him.

Therefore, the problem is partly not only with him, but with you.

You are not a very mature person yourself.

And that’s why it pains you to “help” your son become an adult.

Do you have your own life? - not only in the son...?

Why don't you let him "pay" for his life himself...?

In your case, you can only explain in such a way that he understands and accepts that this is his life.

And you feed him only because he is studying.

This is his "job" for today.

If he doesn’t study, then he earns money himself and lives on his own - maybe. even separately, at your own expense.

(and he has the right to joke - at his own expense - even around the clock)

There is no other way...

When you become an “adult,” your son will begin to grow up.

If you want to work with this approach to your difficulties, write.

G. Idrisov.

Hello Marina! It seems that your son has such a characterology and temperament. And temperament is the energetic component of a person’s personality. If he is active and cannot sit still, then the processes of excitation prevail over the processes of inhibition, here he has an imbalance. But regardless of temperament, a person must control his behavior. We can advise you to go to a neurologist and get examined. If everything is fine, then it is advisable for your boy to go to active sports - swimming, running, team sports, tennis, where he can release excess energy. And then he will become calmer. If this does not help, you can also contact acupuncturists, this is very helpful in balancing the energies in the body. Try not to scold him, but to understand the reason for his such behavior, you can also contact a psychologist, perhaps there are psychological problems behind his such behavior. Good luck to you!

While my daughter was little, everything was clear: how to behave, what to buy for her, what to talk about... But the older our children are, the more difficult it is to find common ground with them, a common language.

It seemed like just recently there was graduation from kindergarten. In it, my baby looked like a real princess in a luxurious red dress with neatly styled curls. After - Primary School and excellent academic results, medals and certificates, exemplary behavior. Even when the girl turned into a teenager, I had no problems with her. She continued to study well, read a lot, won competitions, and began to communicate more with her peers. On parent meetings I didn’t have to go: when it came to my daughter, the reviews were extremely positive.

Time flies so fast. By the age of sixteen, the daughter had turned into a tall, slender blonde, whom men turned to look at on the street. But besides this, my beauty could boast of tenacity of character and developed intelligence. I firmly believe that our children should be better than us. But more and more often the question arose before me: how to behave correctly with this strong personality, for whom I am still responsible?

It was especially difficult when our views on something differed. As long as we were of the same opinion, we were best friends. But as soon as I expressed disagreement, I came across the cold gaze of intelligent gray eyes and a series of arguments to prove that she, my daughter, was right. My arguments quickly dried up, and I was at a loss, I didn’t know how to behave. Sometimes emotions prevented me from being wise, and I started screaming. I understood that I was right in essence, but not right in form.

My head was a complete mess. Who is she, my daughter: an adult or a child?

If I were an outside observer, I would advise my mother to go for a consultation with a psychologist. Instead, I turned to my grandmother for advice. My grandmother has the wisdom of the whole family and boundless patience. She survived the Great Patriotic War, famine, and the death of relatives. She raised me almost from birth. I am very attached to her and trust her in everything. When I shared with her my worries about my daughter, she immediately understood everything. My grandmother assured me that she needed to be taught the path like a child, but taught to work.

Be patient, don’t scream, talk to your daughter, don’t alienate her. Otherwise, she will leave, close herself, and you will not find an approach to her,

My grandmother told me.

I also remembered how my mother communicated with me at the age of 15-17 years. We were friends, but my mother decided a lot for me. She knew how to persuade, found the right words, and quickly made decisions. I yielded to her due to the softness of my character. I remember that feeling of dissatisfaction when my internal beliefs were replaced by others, even my own ones, my mother’s. These memories make us worry even more: how to find that line where the personal boundaries of an adult daughter are preserved and at the same time remains common sense actions, lines of conduct.

My daughter will soon turn seventeen. Already now it is a whole unique universe. It is too late to re-educate a person at this age. And yet, until the age of eighteen, we, parents, are responsible for our children. Our parental fears are well founded. Young people at this age are quick-tempered and prone to the most extreme manifestations of emotions. This behavior can lead to rash actions.

So what to do? I think we should trust the child more.

All previous years, his lifestyle was determined by his parents; he adopted our habits, traditions and manner of communication. It's time to let him reveal himself. I stop myself from wanting to control all my daughter’s actions, because I won’t be able to live her life for her and protect her from all her mistakes. It is often very difficult; it seems that in a given situation the solution is obvious. Obvious to me, but not to my independent daughter.

Now my help is to talk and discuss, to instill self-confidence. Some problems a seventeen-year-old simply cannot solve on his own. For example, students in grades 10-11 do not yet have their own income. At this age, only a few find an opportunity to earn money. How to deal with financing a young family member is decided at a family council, but with an older child you can and should discuss family expenses, justify how much pocket money he can receive from his parents.

On the other hand, it is necessary to make the boy or girl feel responsible for his actions and his life. Show by example that there are generally accepted rules in the house for all family members, regardless of age.

Photo: family archive of Yana Maltseva